and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
