i already hear my dad disowning me
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
