My cat gives me a boner
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
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