My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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