Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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