Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
