she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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