Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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