I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
