I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
