she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
