dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
my sisters under your porch take her home
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So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
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Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I forgot wine drunk hurts
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