I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
