dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
