everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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