i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
