My nipple is on Facebook.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I think my fart just growled at me.
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
