Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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