Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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