ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
