I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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