Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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