The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
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I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
then he tried to convert me to islam
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
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Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
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