listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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