Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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