and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
