Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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