I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
