im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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