my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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