On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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