Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
my poor anus
My ass is underappreciated
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
