I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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