i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
