I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
