She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
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