Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
