Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize