there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
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