guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
