Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
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I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
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