I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
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