This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
