So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
