Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
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God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
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I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major