census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me