oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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