I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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