Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Randomize
