so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
