Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Randomize
