my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
